Doug and his wife, Sylvette   photography by  Bradley Mejia

Doug and his wife, Sylvette photography by Bradley Mejia

The question was posed to me recently..

"How can you properly love and spoil your wife without sexual expectations?"

This isn't an easy concept. Let me preface my answer with this caveat.. I've heard the statement "If you want to stop having sex.. get married". Sad. So I am answering this from a place of a healthy, vibrant marriage. I hope you're having continual, exciting, adventurous, and passionate sex.


However, as a man sex is a major motivation. Men are microwaves and women's are ovens. It doesn't take much for us to get hot, but women are different.  I am called to be a student of my wife, and I realize that she needs constant non-sexual touch and flirtation without ulterior motives. I must intentionally give this to her. Women know if we have an agenda. Are we texting them throughout the day, buying gifts, wining and dining with an objective other than loving them properly?  I have found that motive is massive. Am I doing loving acts towards her in hopes of sex being the end game? If I am then I am loving myself more than her. I am doing selfish acts disguised in selfless clothing.


Doug & Sylvette in Kua Bay, Hawaii   photography by  Bradley Mejia

Doug & Sylvette in Kua Bay, Hawaii photography by Bradley Mejia

In another Lesson from my Father he once told me, "Your mother doesn't much care what I do for her during the day before sex.. she cares about what I do the day after sex. Am I still pursuing her heart with same passion and fervor after I've 'satisfied', and am I showing her she is more than a 'fix'? Do my  actions and patterns show her I value all of her above that part." We must step up to the plate as men intentionally, and not just rely on our emotions, but loving her in action first knowing the emotions will follow.

Actions come before emotions in any area of growth in life, and this especially true in a growing life long marriage.


Obviously, sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage, and I know and have seen firsthand that if I love my wife the way that she needs to be loved that sex will be there more than ever. Sex for a women is about trust, security, and giving themselves. I have to provide those non sexual needs before we can meet each others sexual needs. If these needs are met it will deepen those sexual experiences, and will be something that one night stands or cheap sexual relationships can NEVER imitate. It will go beyond a action to a supernatural experience of 2 people becoming 1. God is love and this type of unconditional, selfless love can only be learned from Him, and not social media, music, porn, and movies. Don't buy those lies. They sell cheap quick fixes, but we want that lifetime love.

Douglas Scott Moorman II lives with his wife Sylvette in Hawaii. He currently runs the kids adventure program at the world's #1 private golf community of Kohanaiki. He was the youth and community director at First Baptist Church of Laurel in Maryland. His passion is to promote spiritual, emotional, and financial growth in others, while simultaneously living out his teachings in his own personal life and marriage. His goal above all else, is to magnify his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.